This article is intended for those over fifty who must endure the preparations required for a colonoscopy. Those under age fifty, medical guidance is advised. I originally wrote this humorous description of the colonoscopy preps when I had to cleanse my body prior to surgery in 2013. I am sharing it with you now as I prepare for this year’s colonoscopy.
We all know the colonoscopy itself is not so bad, but the preparation makes us dread the procedure every time. This prep will be for my fifth colonoscopy as I had the honor of my first indoctrination in my forties. You might say I am a pro at it. My doctor thinks I know more than most.
Descending on a day of ingesting clear liquids, a diet of broth, juice, tea, Gatorade, and Jello makes for the most appetizing cuisine. Beware of any foods that contain red in it as it might upset the balance. I have often wondered if I could consume some white wine to take the edge off the day.
The first prep was lemon flavored magnesium citrate. It had hints of awful citrusy flavors that got more obnoxious with every sip. The minerality and acidity was strong and vial. The finish was even more disgusting as you wanted to barf at the maker’s notes of no expression. The end result can only be described as catastrophic.
Now the second prep consisted of cherry-flavored magnesium citrate. The hints of cherry were so sweet and sugary you wanted to puke. This winemaker does not know how to blend or perfect the ideal drink to imbibe. In fact, I could not get this one all down. I paired it with a berry powerhouse drink or whatever you call them and finished off with a delicious cup of chicken broth making this the most unusual pairing for any gourmand.
Now as my stomach churns away with this conglomeration of ingestibles, I will most likely be up all night having my friendly date with the john, also known as WC. You ask if I will be hungover from imbibing so much of this stuff. Perhaps not in the literal sense but if you find me lying on the floor of the bathroom, it is because I had an unfortunate run-in with the john.
If you are reading this article, I am most likely undergoing the procedure but do know that I published this article between my run-ins with my dear friend john.
To make matters worse my husband and I decided to make this a family affair. We are both sharing in the festivities of colonoscopy preparation. The old saying misery likes company could definitely apply here. We want to share in all life’s experiences whether good or bad.
There are many different colonoscopy preps, but all are bad because every one bloats and upset your stomach to no end. This year’s prep is a little different. It is a mixture of Miralax (a whole 8 oz. bottle) and Gatorade. Honestly, I don’t know how anyone can drink Gatorade. The green tropical flavor gets old very quickly, and the thought of drinking eight glasses of this stuff seems revolting. Maybe someone who has a sweet tooth or a palate for sweet wine but Gatorade is no match for a late harvest Riesling or Château d’Yquem.
For all the doctors reading this article, please feel free to share this article with your patients, so they to can have a good laugh before taking their preparations.
Unlike wine, please note this writer was not hosted to the colonoscopy preps suggested in this article.